I’m a huge fan of dark chocolate, the darker and less traditional the better. Milk chocolate is just too boring for me; banally sweet, with little distinction from one sampling to the next. By contrast the complexity of the flavor of dark chocolate rarely ceases to amaze me and I actually look forward to being surprised when what starts out as brief bitterness develops into a rich and complex new experience that I can savor well after the chocolate is gone. Yet when I am presented with some new dark chocolate I find myself walking a tightrope of having enough, yet knowing when too much will leave me feeling ill. One of the traps for me is that not all dark chocolate is the same even when they might initially look so similar. With some types I can consume much more, but with others I find myself put off much sooner. I have come to view many parts of my world as being very similar to my experience with dark chocolate, wanting the experience of being surprised and appreciative of the complexity, while not wanting to cross the line of too much nor failing to recognize which types will make me feel ill.

Much like my inner chocoholic, I find myself somewhat addicted to participating in interesting discussions with smart people, especially with those of whom I occasionally disagree. I love the surprise of finding out that there was more to their feedback than just my initial bitter reaction. And like my consumption of dark chocolate, I have found that there is a fine line between giving and getting just the right amount and the right type of disagreement, before simply feeling ill from overindulgence.

If “Snarky” were a brand of feedback, it would definitely be my choice to both give and receive. It’s an acquired taste to be sure, but like a good beer, cognac, dark roast coffee, or my friend dark chocolate, once you develop an appreciation for it, most find that there is more to appreciate from snarkyfeedback than meets the eye (or insert appropriate sense here). For those who prefer for a definition, I have excerpted the definitions for “snarky” from the Urban Dictionary and included them below.

It is my opinion that snarkiness requires a level of dedication which some are unwilling, or perhaps unable, to allocate. Effectively contributing in a snarky manner means you must have paid attention to the contribution that you are responding do, you thought about it (even briefly), and thereafter put in the effort to say something more than the obvious “no” or “you’re wrong,” etc. Consuming snarkiness equally requires some dedication to look past the initial bitterness to see if there are layers of complexity to appreciate, as you simply can’t reasonably judge a snark without first thinking a bit about it.

So where is the downside to this world made of fine dark chocolate feedback? As you might expect, there are times and places for snarky dialog, and not all snarks sit as well in the stomach. The fine line I will attempt to draw here is the difference between “fits” and “snarks.” While I note that snarks may have a tinge of bitterness in their taste, in my opinion they are not delivered with an intent to be negative or self-serving. Snarks are not merely an outburst of bile, misdirected animosity, nor an excuse to simply be abusive; rather they are a thought provoking manner of communication which demonstrates a dedication to the topic at hand and to the person with whom you are communicating. Fits, on the other hand, or their less professional cousin the temper tantrum, root themselves in venom and a goal of something other than being helpful or productive. I must say here that I find no value in fits, and little value in people who make it their habit to routinely communicate in that way.

Fit happens!(ok, fits happen). With the regularity of the phases of the moon and the orbit of the earth around the sun, we all have our bad moods and those moods give rise to the occasional fit. For those who know me well, let me state the painfully obvious that I occasionally overshoot snarky and fall into the realm of a fit. It is never my intention to indulge in this fit-ish behavior, and so when receiving the occasional venom infused fit from someone else I try to make my first thought: They probably didn’t mean it, or at least not as much as I’m reading into it.

To be sure, this blog is meant to be aspirational. It was inspired by a fit which arrived in my inbox sill dripping in venom. As they sender described later, they were clearly having a bad week. This person is not one of the jerks we all know; they were truly simply having a very bad week. What I should have done was follow my own advice and simply say, “They probably didn’t mean it, or at least not as much as I’m reading into it.” I was close, I got there after a brief fit of my own which I delivered to their manager, who was a better person than I was that day and recognized that I “probably didn’t mean it…” The take away, however, was that I came back to that email the next day with a more understanding perspective and consumed it again with a desire to taste the subtle flavors that were buried under the burnt crust. There were great points in there, some of which I used to modify our standard practice for the benefit of the team. If I had just thrown away the remarks as a fit, or the contributor as a jerk, I would have lost out on something really valuable.

So let me offer this encouragement to you. Know your real jerks, and frankly do what you can to limit their time in your life. Know that good people have fits, some of which cause you to lose some respect for them. Try not to make that a permanent loss, as we all have those bad days. Have some thickness to your skin and shake off the smattering of venom sprinkles before you dive in and consume. If that doesn’t work, try and save your response for another day. When you can, invest the time and thought into a witty snark. It’s far more satisfying than just telling someone they’re wrong, and since telling them they are wrong rarely gets your point across in any event, you might just get them to understand the valuable nuance of your point.

Look for dark chocolate. I have the pleasure of being surrounded by peers who work for me, and for whom I work, who are as snarky and complex as any I have ever met. Most have their fit laden and occasionally jerky days, but with rare exception has any permanent loss of respect occurred (at least that is my perspective). If you live a life of milk chocolate and watery light beer, let me beseech you to contribute some dark chocolate of your own. People will respond in kind (after a suitable period of shock because you were snarky for the first time), and it will have been worth your while. I look forward to reading about your experience in the rich and complex world of snarkiness.

Definitions of Snarky from the Urban Dictionary

Snarky

A witty mannerism, personality, or behavior that is a combination of sarcasm and cynicism. Usually accepted as a complimentary term. Snark is sometimes mistaken for a snotty or arrogant attitude. – Her snarky remarks had half the room on the floor laughing and the other half ready to walk out.

Adjective – Any language that contains quips or comments containing sarcastic or satirical witticisms intended as blunt irony. Usually delivered in a manner that is somewhat abrupt and out of context and intended to stun and amuse.

Origin: Snark=”snide remark”.

I was in the weeds this week. All I could see was what seemed like hundreds of tasks that I needed to make progress on, and at some point it seemed like a good idea to use a machete and my full force to hack them all down. As you might expect, that wasn’t a good idea at all.

After flailing about, however, I did remind myself of several lessons which I have learned in my past, and about which I needed to again remind myself.

The first lesson is that even though I am often in the role of teaching the principles of management, I need to remember that the act of doing from the “Learn / Do / Teach” model is often how I learn. It is a virtuous cycle, and needs to be continuous. In addition, part of my learning often comes from my making mistakes, sometimes big ones. It is a loose paraphrase from Thomas Edison, but I do believe that I make mistakes so I can tell by contrast when I make the right decision.

The second lesson I had forgotten was to listen for the theme. I have various trusted advisors who I try to truly listento, even when I don’t share their perspective. Some of those advisors are my management, some of them are from my team, some are my peers including my wife, and all of them are my teachers. Each began saying things to me in their own words this week which I failed to stitch together as a theme. If I had just heard and listened to that theme, it would have told me I was on the wrong road. One said to me, “Did you mean to kill that fly with a brick?” Another wondered aloud with me if my team saw my actions as fighting for them, or just fighting to be a fighter. One of them suggested that I may have hurt the feelings of someone on the team by inadvertently suggesting they may have done something wrong, a message I never meant to convey. And one finally had to bluntly say to me, “That was a mistake!” as well as some less flattering, but no less incorrect descriptions.

How Did I Get Here?

There are a lot of reasons I ended up in the weeds this week, but two that were both entirely within my control to have changed.In part I simply let myself get exhausted. I had a few fifteen hour days this week, perhaps only one of which was trulynecessary. I ignored the symptoms of exhaustion, then spent even more long days working on items that seemed more critical than they actually were. I started getting sick, and then once again ignored the advice of my advisors to “Go home and rest.” One of them actually said to me, “We tell people to go home and take care of themselves when they are sick. Is thisyour idea of leading by example?” Hmm, do you hear the theme?

I also ignored one of the principles that I teach which is, “Know when to take your foot off the gas.” This week I found myself focused on small tactical issues rather than overall strategy. Some days and even weeks can be like that, and we need to be able to adjust the energy and focus we apply to any given task. When I am working on strategy and trying to motivate people I can be pretty high energy. When I am dealing with someone on a simple tactical task, hitting them with all of the energy that I use for strategy is like, “killing a fly with a brick” – or more than a little overkill. Task work at full force is also frustrating to me because I don’t see results as fast as that much energy should be producing, and it is totally exhausting for everyone involved. The advice I offer is that sometimes what is truly important is just coastinginto a turn, so you can hit the gas later on the straightaway. Ok, that racing analogy is worth briefly elaborating on, as it is part of the theme I missed. One of my trusted advisors let me play their Xbox racing game this week. It was my first time playing, and I found myself actually refusing to take my foot off the gas pedal (literally the gas pedal this time). As a result I repeatedly smashed myself into the wall. WOW, can I miss a theme or what?!

Apologize

This week in the weeds and smashing into the walls also reminded me of something equally important when you do make those inevitable mistakes, at that is to be the first to apologize. I take this lesson from Dr. Gordon Graham, a captain from the California Highway Patrol, who later in his career became an expert on managing risk, and ultimately a renowned risk management consultant who among other successes has changed dozens of CHP’s guiding policies. Gordon is a tall burly man, just the kind you want to be there to protect those in need and to ensure justice is done, even if by force. His top point of advice for individuals and companies trying to reduce and manage risk, “Teach people a willingness to apologize.” Yes really, that is his advice. Gordon noted that some may think you are weak for apologizing, but to ignore them. Risk will eventually weed those people out. The mistakes you make, but which can be corrected or at least mitigated by immediately recognizing and apologizing for your mistakes are WELL worth the scorn from the few folks who will never get it. I’ve written two apologies resulting from this week, with another one left to go. Some will I’m sure be less appreciated than others, but each will be my way of saying that I am committed to continuously learning while I do, and this was clearly a learning week.

Reminders to Myself

Rest before you exhaust yourself. Some things really can wait until tomorrow or next week. Ask for help if you can’t find the time to rest. Being tired makes it harder to find those opportunities.

Listen for the themes. Every time you hear someone say something and you think, “that was an odd thing to say to me,” stop for a minute or two and ponder why. Were there several comments like that? Can you find the theme? Is it time to ask a trusted advisor what they think of what was just said to you?

Some tasks are just simple tasks, and they don’t need your 100% passionate effort. I gave myself one hour to write and post this blog. If it is not done by then, I will be done with it for now. That’s OK.

Apologize. Do it immediately, don’t worry about being viewed as week, and don’t look back. The odds are with you that you did the right thing.